March 05, 2005 - 9:35 p.m.

Josh

So Josh's job has him working about 14 hours a day at the moment, for a period of about three days (yesterday, today, and tomorrow). Usually he works about 9 - 10 hour days. Tonight they also sent him home with paperwork to fudge, which I helped with since I write faster. He's hoping to get a raise out of this. I'm hoping he gets fed up with his job enough to find a new one, but I don't think it's going to happen. They really don't pay him enough for his time, but I'm not entirely sure the job he's doing is worth it to them either.

I spent most of today wondering how I was going to manage living with him. Truth is I'm not very happy with him at the moment and I'm never entirely certain what the problem is. I tend to have bad thoughts about him when he's not here and good thoughts when he is (and when he's actively involved with me). And as soon as he touches me, any problems go away or become unimportant.

He bought me a dozen roses last night. Price tag torn off, of course. I didn't really want a dozen roses. I wanted a husband, who's alive and not a walking dead person half the time.

Sometimes I just wish I could curl up in his arms and wish the world away.

I'm not sure why I want him, or if I want him. But I have made a committment and getting rid of him is not in the list of things I'm considering.

But I think I need my own life, since he doesn't seem to have anything to contribute to a shared life.

I just wish things had worked out a bit better.